Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
