You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
