I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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