too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize