i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
