There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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