omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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