11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
