How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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