Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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