bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When are your genitals available?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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