dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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