dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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