gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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