Someone shit on the floor
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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