go do what you do best...puke behind churches
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
