does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
