i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... ๐ฏ๐๐๐
Do I even want to know?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and โwhat the hell is wrong with youโ
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