you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
