On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
