please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
