My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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