The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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