Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
