y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
where does the pee come out of this thing
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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