Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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