now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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