Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize