Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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