I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
