My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
