I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
how drunk are you?
Several
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
