I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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