no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
