I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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