Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
