my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
