Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
