3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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