At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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