Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
