but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
