watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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