I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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