Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
