They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
