just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
