this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize