You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
