just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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