I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
