She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
