You smell like a Billy Joel song
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
