Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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