we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
