i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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