Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
