I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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