I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
