I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
