my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
