He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
