For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
