what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
