At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
