Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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