Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
